No Contact is not easy.
It can feel so counterproductive, especially early on.
In several coaching calls, people ask the same question regarding No Contact:
“If I’m not fighting for the relationship, and they’re perfectly willing to let me go, how is backing off going to get anything to happen?!”
There are several articles that can perfectly answer this question on this site alone, but just a quick answer before I go on a tangent: It’s a false question.
If you are the only one fighting for the relationship; that’s not a relationship.
I could go on, but this isn’t a “Why should I do No Contact?” or “How to hold on through No Contact” article.
This article will answer the simple question, “How will I know when No Contact is working?”
Because, after all, No Contact means committing to no communication.
So, with that being the case, how are you going to see results?
Trust me – while they may seem miniscule, there are plenty of ways to tell.
And here are three of them.
Sign #1 – “Check Ups”
This first sign is something your ex may do that I call a “check-up”.
After a while, no certain amount of time, there’s a chance your ex may reach out to you.
Just to make sure you’re “doing alright”. They may even say to feel free to reach out if you “need something”.
Right off the bat – think about it, that’s a little weird.
I mean, they broke up with you in all likelihood (otherwise, gotta ask, why are you even in NC), so they know they’re the reason you aren’t doing so great.
So, why would they do that?
As pessimistic as this may sound, a lot of the time exes reach out, they’re doing it for them, not for you.
For a lot of people, being the one to break up with you can give a weird kind of ego boost.
It can be subconscious or completely intentional, but some people may reach out to an ex so they can make sure there’s still someone out there clamoring to have them back.
That doesn’t always make them a bad person, part of it’s just human nature, but that’s an aspect nonetheless.
After all, again, they know exactly what would help you, getting back together! But they’ve made up their mind that they aren’t going to do that, so…?
What’s the point of even reaching out?
To talk to you. And that’s major.
Just remember, if they do this, play it cool. Not overly, just be natural and warm without giving the impression you needed to hear from them.
Sign #2 – Social Media
Social media is effing huge for checking results.
Remember: If they’ve broken up with you, and it’s to the point you believe No Contact to be necessary, chances are solid they’ve said they want space from you, or something possibly more extreme.
…Possibly with some yelling.
So if that’s true, they should do whatever possible to avoid thinking of you.
Y’know, to get that space they claim they need from you.
So even if it’s something small, such as liking a post, checking out your Stories, or even the occasional comment, there is no reason for them to be doing that.
And that’s according to THEM!
You aren’t together anymore, nothing is forcing them to have anything to do with you anymore.
They’re thinking about you again.
See, a lot of people convince themselves to be overly humble once they’ve settled into No Contact.
You may get an admittedly small sign, but don’t undersell it.
Them even thinking about you again is solid progression for getting them back.
So is something like them liking a post small? In itself, yes. But they’re thinking about you again, and that’s not something to just shrug off.
Take the win where you can.
Sign #3 – Third Parties
If you’ve been together for a long time, or just a decent amount of time, you’ve probably established a common friend, or they know a member of your family.
Sometimes, there are exes that will reach out to one of these people with you in mind.
Good example; sometimes in calls, people will say their ex reached out to one of their friends, or their family member, not the ex’s.
Think about it like this: If they’re trying to get away from you, and move on with their life, why, in the hell, would they do something like that?
There is zero point in that most of the time. And even if they have a “reason” to do something like that, with massive quotation marks, believe me when I say 95% of the time, it’s not what they say.
Here’s another fun one – pets.
If you have a pet together, and you ended up with one of them after the breakup, here’s a fun one to keep an eye out for.
They may reach out to you to check up on the pet. That, in itself, is fairly reasonable. But only kind of.
It’s a pet. It hasn’t taken up knitting or anything, chances are high nothing about it has really changed.
They might miss an owner, sure, fine, but what are they planning on doing about that? What’s the point of making sure they’re lonely?
Truth is, pets and children are a good middle ground. They’re a natural commonality, so it can make sense sometimes for them to just pop in and talk to you about them.
Children especially, but I’m not getting into that specifically as that can get tricky and complicated fast.
But quick, important reminder, never use kids as a means to an end. They are not an opportunity, they are not your messenger, they are your children, leave it at that.
Bonus – What If They’re Dating Someone New?
Well if you’re trying to get them back, that’s obviously not good, I’m not going to sugarcoat anything.
But it’s also not the end of the line.
Rebounds are a thing, and they’re not that rare.
It’s also not that rare that the rebound doesn’t last too long if No Contact is really doing it’s thing.
Now, none of that’s definite. No result is.
But the worst thing you can do is reach back out now. It only makes the new person look stronger in comparison to you, the ex desperately trying to get them back.
Don’t fall into that.
So just to wrap everything up – do you want to know if No Contact is working?
Keep an eye open for signs they’re thinking about you.
Don’t make them think about you, don’t look for signs they’re thinking about you.
But if/when you do notice things like these, don’t panic, stay calm, but take the win.
DO NOT stop No Contact. You’ll be tempted to reach out to them when you catch a good sign, but do not do that. It’s a good way to chase them even farther away.
Sorta like that old saying of “don’t speak unless spoken to”.
It’s difficult, absolutely, be prepare for that. But No Contact is your best shot for meaningful results.
And hopefully, now, you’ll know how to see them.